You're right, I don't get "it"

"Reality denied for one is false accusation for the other." ~Deborah Tannen

Another major lesson of 2009 would surely have to be a deepening of comprehension in my total lack of comprehension, when it comes to sibling-hood. I am an only child. People ask what it's like to be an only child - I don't know, it's all I've known, so it's just like it is, you know? It's got its perks - you get all the attention. It's got its drawbacks - you get all the attention. Having all the focus and playing all the roles (an only child is the oldest, the middle child, and the youngest when it comes to birth order) can make a kid self-conscious. My parents were determined that I not be "spoiled" so I was never over-indulged the way people tend to stereotypically think of only children. Who knows if I'd still be an introverted codependent dreamer if I had sibs? Maybe, maybe not.

The thing is I entered into parenthood with certain assumptions about kids and family and all that. We all do - I've just had opportunity lately to examine mine. As with most things, I had an idealistic, pollyanna-ish fantasy about how those relationships (are supposed to) work. I pretty much focused on the shiny, happy, holding-hands imagery of siblings - you know, the big sister who teaches you how to put on mascara - the goofy little brother who eases the tension with dumb jokes; being there for one another no matter what -  like the Partridge Family or Eight is Enough.  And, frankly, when my kids were little and I was married to their dad, we looked and acted a lot like that. Sadly, until it all burst, I didn't realize we were livin' in a bubble. (I've spent a LOT of my life inside that bubble - no wonder I get disoriented in reality).

Even once the bubble of my fantasy family popped, I still had sit-com lenses about my kids and their interactions. Not that I expect them all to get along all the time - I'm not that naive! - I just do my best to encourage living by the Golden Rule and pray that they'll sort it out eventually.

When they do get into it and I try to help, the "You don't get it, Mom. You never had brothers and sisters" (with much huffing, eye-rolling, and indignation) is guaranteed. This has always annoyed me - No, I never had siblings, so yeah you're right, I don't get "it" (whatever "it" is)..... but I DO know how people ought to treat one another - and shouldn't that be easier when you're related? (See? Told ya -Pollyanna, all the way!) I am probably the least judgmental, condemning person I know, but I could never fathom how any family members could choose to "not speak" to one another over extended periods of time. As a self-proclaimed professional peacemaker, in my bubblicious world, that is just NOT an option.

Well, this past year my daughters intentionally avoided one another and did not speak for the majority of the summer. At ages 16 and 18, they had a misunderstanding and difference of style and opinion that resulted in months of unresolved conflict. I wrote about it in detail at the time and I'm not going to hash out the particulars again here now, but suffice it to say, as the benevolent Mama-bird, this was a real test for me. I don't believe in taking "sides" - I've always been someone who sees and respects the nuances of all sides - and I especially don't believe in siding with one child vs. another -I'm their mother and no matter what, I champion the self-expression, truth-telling, happiness and fulfillment of all of my kids. Still, when the self-expression is "I don't even want to see her," and the truth-telling is, "You always take her side," it makes my neutral ground tricky to stand on, to say the least. 

I did manage to uphold my own values during this time, but it required me to expand. I wanted each daughter to know that I am always on her side - that even when they are at odds, those differences don't have to change what she can expect from me.

Of course, the way I learned this was by completely screwing it up first. At the outset of the rift, I felt it was my place to do whatever I could to help them come together and communicate (I am their mother, after all!). In that vein, I tried to help each girl understand the other and pleaded with each to approach the other in a spirit of resolution. I spoke a lot of truth about the past and how it looks through my mamabird view.

I was dumbfounded when, instead of helping, my heartfelt pleas actually intensified and further dramatized the entire (ridiculous) situation.  It seemed my every word was mis-construed, every loving intention only deepened the divide. After my valiant efforts, not only was my 16 year old refusing to talk to her big sister, but she didn't want to see me, either. Aaargh! Very perplexing.

I just didn't get it. And I couldn't get that I didn't get it, because usually, I am pretty darn intuitive and insightful. More than not, when it comes to relationship dynamic stuff, I do get it... so, I kept coming up with theories and psychological reasons that would explain what was wrong , what was missing, who was to blame, why things were so dysfunctional - and there may be some real pearls of wisdom in each of my little hypotheses - but none of it made any difference - it all remained unresolved - (which partially explains my previous Ponder & Process post on Patience, eh?).  I can deal with "unresolved" fairly well when I understand what's going on..... but this? I just didn't GET IT!!!  - which made letting it be that much more of a challenge.

Sometimes you just don't get what you don't get - this was one of those times for me. Thankfully, somewhere in the midst of this messiness, my mom happened to hear a book talk on NPR and she shared it with me. The author is Deborah Tannen, the book You Were Always Mom's Favorite! Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives. The title alone clued me in --- ohhhh, you mean sisterhood itself comes with a sense of competition? Comparing and measuring are a natural, inherent part of the equation? Hmmm.... yes, actually, that makes sense. Ohhhhh, you mean the sister relationship is fraught with all sorts of quirky built-in issues and dynamics that pretty much apply to sisters everywhere throughout history? Hmmm.... well, of course - this all fits....but I did not KNOW that - I really and truly was clueless. Yes, I may understand what it is to be 16 and a girl, and I may have a profound maternal grasp of each girl and her personality traits -  I may even have a glimmer of insight that comes with maturity, but I don't have an inkling what it is to go through this life having or  being a sister. 

Or, as the kids told me all along, "Mom, you just don't get IT."

Right you are.

And recognizing and admitting my complete ignorance has helped immensely - ahhh, the gentle peaceful  freedom that comes with surrender. Once I got that I can never "get" their reality, ironically enough, I began to get a much more realistic perspective. I was able to distinguish between the things I (as their mother, after all) could and could not do - what might be helpful and how my previous approach might feel, if I were in her shoes. Luckily, I had sorted through much of this by the time I heard the angry, disdain-full voice state, "Mo-om, you always try to make everything better. I don't want you to make this better." 

"I can respect that," I was able to say. "This is between the two of you and you will work it out your way. If you want my help, I'm always here."

NO, I don't get what it is to be a sibling - observing all five of our kids is probably the closest I'll get - though I'd love to hear your stories and experiences of sibling-hood to help clue me in.

And these kids? Pshaw! (Eye roll, huff, sigh) They don't get "it," either - they have no clue what it is to be a parent - but someday (in the far future!!), I hope they will.

Oh, and, resolution or no, the girls are back to talking, texting, and doing silly sister stuff again, and that makes Mama happy.